Do you have thoughts that repeatedly sabotage you? Those thoughts that whisper and whip through your mind so fast you can’t see them, twisting your behaviour so you betray yourself and end up right back where you started despite all your efforts to do better?
Today I uncovered one such thought; a barbed, little devil-thorn of a thought that’s been wreaking havoc in my life for over three decades.
“F*ck it! I don’t care.”
To describe my relationship with food as problematic would be an understatement. Disordered is the word most commonly used to describe my interaction with food but I’ve worked hard to change that and, to the untrained eye, my eating habits over the last few years would look powerfully healthy. To a large extent, they are but that devil-thorn remained.
I have strict rules and I obey them. Until I don’t. Then, “F*ck it! I don’t care!”
This sort of thinking isn’t newsworthy. I imagine if you have a troublesome relationship with food, you’re no stranger to “having a bad day” and promising yourself you’ll “be better tomorrow”.
But what I uncovered today is slightly different. It showed me that I need that thought in order to give in; to grant myself permission to break one of my food rules. Today, it was because I had half a slice of toast when I “should have” had a freshly squeezed vegetable juice.
In the past, that thought would fire the starter pistol on a twister-ride that gathered momentum in my mind, picking up biscuits, cakes, crisps, and sweets along the way, making choices on my behalf, against my will and moving too fast for me to stop it so the only choice would be to go with it until it ran its course.
But something new clicked in to place today. I recently discovered (whilst watching ‘Rewired’ by Dr. Joe Dispenza on Gaia) that neuroscientists believe around 95% of the thoughts we have each day are the exact same thoughts we had the day before. If this is true, our thoughts lead us to live the same mistakes over and over again because we run the same patterns over and over again.
Since watching Rewired, I’ve been observing my thoughts more closely and that’s how I came to spot this one and see its power. This single thought fires the starter pistol for a race of historical thoughts, leading to a string of historical behaviours. It has fired the starter pistol on almost every ‘bad food day’ I have ever had.
Seeing the smoking gun so clearly this morning led me to do two things. First, I put down the slice of fruit cake I was about to eat. Second, I sat down to write this.
Now that I know what the starter pistol sounds like, I can claim the power to choose what happens next.
That changes everything.