When I started this experiment, I committed to the longest period I felt I could achieve. Having never gone more than 31 days without alcohol, 100 days was a huge stretch. In many ways, it was much easier than I expected and at no point was I tempted to waver, even though I had days I really didn’t enjoy.
That said, the last 40 days without sugar were more challenging and I realised my difficulty with alcohol was really an extension of my difficulty with food. Food is by far the worse of the two evils for me.
According to the rules of my experiment, I am free and clear tomorrow. If I wanted to wake up and start the day with a slice of cake, I could. If I wanted to have a glass of wine with my dinner tomorrow night, I could.
So I’ve reached the point where I have to decide which way I’m going. Has the last 100 days changed how I see myself?
As I write this, I feel scared and confused. I thought I would feel a sense of elation and pride for reaching this point successfully but instead I feel as though reintroducing these things into my life will be a sign of failure.
I feel stuck between two identities right now. I’m no longer the person who reaches for the biscuit barrel every time she gets bored or frustrated. Nor am I the person who celebrates, commiserates and finds confidence with a glass of wine.
But am I the person who never indulges in either of these things?
Can I become the person who has a productive and healthy relationship with these things – the person who sometimes has a glass of wine and sometimes has a piece of cake without either one becoming a fixation?
I have reached the point where I have to decide who I am and at this point I don’t have a clear answer.
If you’ve ever faced this decision, I’d love to hear about the decision you made and how it turned out.
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