I feel shit today.
There’s no reason for it. I just do.
It’s my birthday today. The first one of my adult life without alcohol and the first one of my entire life without sugar. That would be the obvious reason for feeling low but I don’t think that’s it. Nor is it about getting older. I’m not particularly bothered about getting older – and wouldn’t go back to my youth if you paid me.
Sometimes I just have these days. I feel low without any clear understanding of why. I used to see these days as some sort of character flaw, like there was something clearly, fundamentally wrong with me.
Those thoughts made these days toxic.
There would be a mania to my eating throughout the day and in the evening I would drink to excess – a pattern that always made me feel worse rather than better. I was so unsettled by my feelings and my lack of ability to explain their source that I’d drive myself up the wall, picking at everything until I could think of nothing else but drowning it all out.
These days I think, “I’m having a shit day. It’ll pass.” And it does. Every time.
This afternoon, I’ve gave Max an hour of TV. I put some music on, lay down for 20 minutes and had a cry (I had to sit up after a few minutes because I hate tears in my ears!) and then got up to write this. In 2 minutes, Max’s hour will be up, I’ll press publish and we’ll play.
Already it’s feeling like a better day and since my wonderful husband is taking me out for a celebration dinner tonight, things can only keep improving – even without bubbles and cake!