I cut alcohol and sugar as an act of self-love and self-respect and to learn more about the demons and gremlins I’ve spent my life running away from.
The demon that’s with me today is anxiety – the anxiety I experience when I no longer feel the compulsive need to push myself and ACHIEVE things.
This demon scratches my brain and twists my stomach. It says,”You haven’t done any of the things you should be doing. Is this really what you want? To be lazy and average? You were doing so well. You’ll get nowhere if you carry on like this.”
The demon is upset because all I’ve achieved over the last couple of days is to write this blog. I haven’t worked out, I haven’t done my Wim Hof breathing (though I’ve kept up with the cold showers), I haven’t created the freebie I planned to create for my website or done the other things on my very long to-do list. I’m not even 100% sure what I’ve done with my time because I haven’t been keeping track. I’ve sort of floated through the days, just enjoying the moments.
In the past, I’d have reacted to the demon. I’d excuse myself from breakfast with my family and go for a run instead. I’d work out harder, add more items to my To-Do lists, exhaust myself and then ‘treat’ myself with booze and food because, ‘I deserve it‘.
This time, the object is to accept these thoughts and feelings, welcome them in and find out where they came from. Why the compulsive need to achieve? What does achieving even mean? Achieve what exactly and for whom?
Of course, another gremlin comes out at that point. “Oh for God’s sake! You’ve done all this already! How. Many. Times. Do we have to go round and round in these circles? Christ!”
Again, my reaction to this would normally be to get moving. To literally run it off. “You’re right. I’m being useless and getting nowhere. I just need crack on.”
Of course, there are no demons or gremlins. There is only me and my beliefs. I realise it takes time to make sense of things, particularly when they have been buried and had entire cities of thoughts and experiences built on top of them. It’s unrealistic to expect to dig them up in one sitting.
So today, my goal is to be patient with myself. To go round this loop yet again – but I am purposeful and observant every time I go round and every time I learn a little bit more.
No journey is wasted.