Day 34: Defiant drinking

Photo by Harry Grout on Unsplash

Today is the polar opposite of yesterday. Not the first time in the last 34 days where that has been the case.

James was gigging last night so he didn’t get in until 1.30am. On mornings after gig nights, I get up with Max so James can lie in a bit. It’s the very least I can do, considering he gets up with Max every other day so that I can exercise and do all the other things I do every morning.

A poor night’s sleep and starting my day without any of the things I normally do to ground me left me edgy and brittle all day. James and I fought, the kids and I fought and I’ve got that angry burn in my stomach that would normally trigger me to drink defiantly.

This is a mindset where I would metaphorically hold two fingers up to everyone and everything. I’d think, “Fuck it! I don’t care about what I should be doing! I deserve a break!” I would free myself from all usual confines, remove the brakes on my behaviour and just go for it, eating loads of junk food and washing it down with wine as I watched garbage on TV. It was always the most unenjoyable of indulgences. Self-loathing and anxiety building throughout.

Tonight I have that tight knot and that defiant feeling. I confess I have chomped my way through a fairly sizeable number of Pringles and cracked into the kids’ bag of sweets but, as I type this, I feel a sense of ease and calm coming over me.

It feels good to release the knot rather than tightening it.

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