Photo by Lee Myungseong on Unsplash

We’re home from the first proper outing where my alcohol free resolve was put to the test.

James just declared, “I’m so impressed with you!” then he paused and said, “although you behaved like you’d been drinking.”

I was scatty and silly and even a little bit funny sometimes. All things I have attributed to the effects of wine. Much like the night when my step-son and his girlfriend were round for dinner, I came away thinking, ‘Huh. Turns out that might just be me.”

I’m always a little on edge at the start of social gatherings, unsure what to do with myself or how to relax. I’d always end up relaxed but I assumed that feeling coincided with the wine taking effect. Today, the same pattern ran. I was a little on edge at the beginning – particularly because I wasn’t drinking and I was in company where I would normally “let my hair down”.

For the first hour or so, I felt like I was trying too hard. I was thinking so hard I missed parts of the conversation and forgot what I was saying mid-sentence. By about 3pm, I was shattered. I could have curled up on the sofa and gone to bed. Then suddenly the fog lifted, the trying-too-hard feelings dissipated and I relaxed.

We played a game, I made a fool of myself. We laughed hysterically and it was brilliant fun. It felt no different than the traditional wine buzz – with one important difference. With wine, I’d have hit that peak earlier in the day and then declined into tired fogginess and lethargy, probably convincing James we should go home via McDonalds because I couldn’t be bothered to cook. Tonight, I got the buzz, left feeling alert and am typing this in the kitchen as I cook the dinner.

This feels a lot easier.