Day 17: Darkness, broken eggs and hangovers

I woke up with a hangover this morning. Let me explain.

Mood swings and low-level depression have formed part of my existence my entire life. I have actively resisted taking medication despite being advised on several occasions that this was my best option.

I managed well enough and, before the kids, I’d say I was pretty much on top of it. I had my bad days (or sometimes a week or two) but I managed to keep it together and eventually pull myself out of the hole. That was before the kids.

If an egg is broken from an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an inside force, life begins. Great things happen from the inside.

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Hmm. I’m not sure I agree with that statement.

I’ve just written the entire post and come to read it back and realised I had a few things quite wrong.

Here is a paragraph from the original post:

The children provided such a significant external force that depression reared dark and large, threatening to engulf everything. It became clear to me that somewhere and somehow, the egg that was my life and my identity was going to break. It wasn’t a matter of if. It was a matter of when and I knew my life would end up splattered all over the place if I didn’t do something. You’re reading this blog as a result of that something. I started Big Happy Life.

As I came to read it back, though, I realised it wasn’t the children providing the force, it was my feelings of fear and inadequacy. I had expected to be an awesome parent – I had read all the books, done all the research, attended dozens of courses. My job was to help people communicate better with each other and set great habits for success. I had no reason to think I would suck at parenting. And suck I did. At least at first.

Big Happy Life came about because I couldn’t fathom that it was possible to have two amazing people added to my life and somehow be worse off for it. My life was bigger but I didn’t know how to navigate it and I kept ending up lost and scared.

That was 2 years ago and, in the last 12 months, I’ve found my groove. It sad to think that, after 20 years of being a trainer, it took me so long to realise I needed to take some of my own advice! Since I started being more intentional in my habits, things have been going incredibly well.

So last night was a bit of a shock as I was reminded of that ‘breaking’ feeling and felt the darkness threatening.

From the moment I picked Max up from pre-school, he was a little prick. I know you shouldn’t say that about a 3 year old but there you have it. I already know to expect poor behaviour after pre-school because he offloads a lot of the feelings he’s been holding in and normally, I simply cuddle him, make him laugh and play with him until he recalibrates but yesterday, nothing worked. The tantrums and drama repeated ad-nauseum for 4 hours until he finally passed out. It was horrendous and I was horrendous.

I felt such venomous burning rage and I hated myself for it. All I wanted to do was drown out those feelings.

I didn’t drink but I REALLY wanted to.

The hangover I mentioned at the beginning was caused by those dark, cold, “f**k this life” feelings I remember so well. They stayed with me the whole day and all I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. But, of course, there was Max and Mini and school runs and lunches and dinners and washing and playing and work and…and…and.

I’m nearly at the point where I get to bed, though. Hurrah! I’ve made it through a dark, mood-swingy day and I’ve done it drink-free and drama-free so I’m calling it a win and, feeling as I do now, I’m betting there will be no hangover tomorrow.

 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. You had an high empathy day along with your “darkness”. But you prevailed, Sis! 😊

    Kids will wear you plum out😥😥. I too can relate, we have 3 yr old and an 1 yr old boys. They wear us gone! I don’t know what it is about after day care when they’re more turnt up than they were going in. But 8:30pm can’t come fast enough.

    I’m glad you stayed true in both your feelings and your actions.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Big Happy Life says:

      Oh gosh! Two really young ones! Gulp! I take my hat off to you! They absolutely do wear you clean out! I remember talking to parents when I was child-free and they would talk about how much they dreaded school holidays or how they treasured the time when the kids were out or asleep and I’d think, “well why did you have them if you don’t want to spend any time with them…how little I knew!” :’D I’m child-free from 8.45am until 4.25pm today and I’m going to relish every darn minute of it!

      Liked by 1 person

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