I have spent so many years berating myself for drinking that I didn’t register the role alcohol played in the ebb and flow of my motivation.
Every day, I would wake up feeling a bit sluggish and “morning me” would need to prove to myself that I was a high performer, someone who can achieve her goals. I’d get out of bed, excercise, meditate and (over the last few weeks) complete my Wim Hof Method practice before making a green smoothie (pretty grim tasting because I only use vegetables to keep the sugar content down) and use any remaining time to write or get some other work done. When I was done I felt strong, capable and probably a bit bad-ass.
By 5pm it was a different story. I’d have gotten the kids ready, done the school run and grocery shopping, chores, playgroups, afternoon school run, homework, more playing. By the time I had to prepare dinner, there was very little bad-ass left. More lazy ass by this point. Pour first glass. Then the after dinner clear up, baths and bed routines…
“Evening me” would say, “aaand breathe. It’s all done for another day. Pour another glass – and with this one, eat chocolate and crisps and watch rubbish TV.”
My first thought about the relationship between “morning me” and “evening me” came when, for the second morning in a row, I couldn’t be bothered to get up and exercise. Yesterday, I forced it and got nowhere. Today, I didn’t even try. I found myself wondering whether one fuels the other – whether I’m so exhausted and depleted at night that I drink because I have no mental resources left with which to resist the temptation and I start each day with a great push precisely because I let go the evening before. Will I actually end up less productive if I have nothing with which to beat myself up in the morning?
Or is something else going on?
Sometimes, the thing we think is ‘the thing‘ isn’t really the thing and something else is going on. As the day wore on, I started thinking about another possibility. A few weeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany about the patterns in everyday life. That epiphany led me to write this tag line for my website – “Habits form the tides of life. Make yours flow in the direction of your goals.”
Today, it dawned on me that this particular habit flows against all the other good habits I have – and in doing so, creates resistance, changes the tide and stunts my progress. I don’t move as fast or as far in the time I have available. What if that’s not an accident? What if the fears and limiting beliefs that loomed so large for so many years have poured themselves into a glass that, when consumed, ensures their survival?
It’s a question that requires a lot more thought.